Life and other insignificant events

15/6/14

Craig Wilson

So happy Father’s Day everybody. Hope you all got your Dad something nice or did something nice for him. I got my Dad a Celtic strip, recreated from 1985 to celebrate them getting to 100 cup finals. It fits but at XXL it is a wee bit tight. He could do with following the example of my Uncle and lose a few pounds. I say that out of love by the way.

So the World Cup got underway but not before Sepp Blatter had to further emphasise that he is a complete bell-end with not a drop of common sense. I wonder if inside his head is just a bunch of bingo balls with crazy statements in them, like fortune cookies, and he has no control of what he’s saying. I am of course referring to his statement on the World Cup being played on other planets. The scary thing is, he wasn’t fucking joking! The man is deadly serious and had a look of hurt as he looked among the baffled faces of everyone in the room. He reminds me of that evil alien in Space Jam voiced by Danny DeVito. There’s enough bother trying to make conditions playable in the 50C heat of Qatar, but hey, let’s spend trillions to transport fans, players, media etc. to fucking Jupiter. It takes six years to get there and has an atmosphere similar to the SUN!!!!!!

 

“Why don’t these fools take me seriously?”

Speaking of crazy, what the fuck happened to Spain? They took the lead, were looking great, Holland get a stunning equaliser with an Olympic diving header from Van Persie and then after that it all went to shit. Casillas had the worst game I’ve ever seen. This is a guy who has a mind-boggling 154 caps for Spain and couldn’t control a pass along the fucking ground. But that’s what happens when you choose a guy who has played two games all season! Here’s an idea Del Bosque, choose someone in form! Look at me telling Del Bosque what to do. Ah fuck him and his boring brand of passing football. Serves him right. See what happens when you pass forward instead of back and side-to-side?

The concept art presented to Blatter

I’ve seen on twitter this week something about a new pill that is going to make people magically lose weight. Please for the love of God, do not buy into any of that shite. You want to lose weight? Cut sugar from your diet and do an hour of exercise every day. Pills aren’t natural. There’s only one pill that can make you lose weight. It’s called fucking laxative. What is it with people wanting all these quick fixes or immediate results? Put in some fucking work and earn it! Oh but that’ll hurt and take longer. Yeah, but it’s character building. It’s summertime. Get out in the sun and go walk for an hour you lazy cunts.

I like to bet, particularly on tennis. I had a £50 on Dimitrov and Nadal to win at 2/7 and 1/5 respectively. Dimitrov got the job done and went on to win at Queens. He’s really becoming the real deal. His victory speech was extremely gracious and charming and I’m expecting big things from him. Nadal was playing his first match since victory at the French Open against world no. 85 Dustin Brown. The motherfucker lost. Now first of all I don’t buy into Nadal being tired. He had four days off. What I did find odd was that Nadal was 1/5 in the first place. Murray and Federer in their first matches on the grass were 1/25 and 1/33 respectively so why was Nadal 1/5 in his first match? Did the bookies know something I didn’t? Am I crazy? Maybe, but I’ve been suspect of Nadal since he had that knee injury that put him out for nearly a year, and then he comes back and wins everything in sight.

I couldn’t look either

After what happened with Lance Armstong and many others I wouldn’t be surprised if Nadal was on some sort of juice. As my Dad pointed out, what reason would Nadal have for match-fixing. He’s got enough money. But it’s weird that he was priced at that when really he should’ve been at least 1/20. To lose the final set 6-1 too is what made it more suspect. If it comes out in years to come, you heard it here first.

I can’t really think of anything else to ramble on about so again, hope you enjoyed and leave any comments. Good or bad. Feeds my ego either way haha. Peace out fuckers.

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Life and other insignificant events

7/6/14

Craig Wilson

So, I like many am a huge Game of Thrones fan. I have however not read the books so if anybody who reads this (unlikely) has read them, get to fuck with spoilers or I’ll hunt you down and cut your throat. That being said I must declare SPOILERS for anyone who has had a busy week and hasn’t seen the latest episode. So as most of you will know, the flamboyant Prince Oberyn is the latest (great) character to bite the dust. And in pretty spectacular fashion. I loved that they went old school and used practical effects for his head bursting like a melon instead of CGI. It looked phenomenal. But obviously, I (like many) have been left heartbroken at the loss of the best character since Tyrion and the legendary Ned Stark. I honestly didn’t feel this fucked up after the famous Red Wedding. There are so many things that make his death hard to bear.

No.1 Oberyn was a fucking badass. We knew this when he fearlessly confronted the two blokes in the brothel. The dude knew he could kill anyone if he wanted to.

No.2 His free spirit. Oberyn is that guy that all guys wish they could be. Fearless, charming and unrestrained by the pressures of society. Granted not all guys love the male form just as much as the female equivalent, but each to his own. And he loves his children. All of them. Which is a lot. And he provides for all them. Kudos to the man.

Oby in his element at a cock and pussy buffet.

 

No.3 His hunger for justice. Not only was he seeking justice for the atrocities committed against his sister and her children, he recognises that Tyrion (who we all love) is not guilty and will risk his life to see that justice is done.

No.4 He fucking had him beat! Yeah! The Mountain was down on his back. Awaiting the final blow (stop laughing) and all he had to do was stab him in the fucking face. But, Oberyn like all great Bond villains was defeated by the dreaded monologue. The whole time I kept thinking, watch those hands Oby. Fucking look out. He’s not dead yet. And when he punched his teeth out that’s when I knew, yep he’s fucked.

No.5 There was so much riding on Oberyn winning. The fate of Tyrion. Oberyn avenging his sister. Oberyn finding out WHO GAVE THE ORDER! Oberyn continuing to live which we all wanted. Fucking up Cersei because she’s a cunt. The Mountain no longer being a threat. And now all that is shattered with us all wondering, what happens to Tyrion now? To be honest I don’t think he’ll die. I think this’ll be one of the rare instances when George R.R. Martin actually saves one of his sacred characters. But we’ll have to wait and see.

Sports. The World cup is only days away. Yipee. But I want to address something that has been bugging me for a few weeks. I live in Edinburgh, Scotland and support the team Heart of Midlothian. We, like our bitter city rivals Hibs were relegated to the 2^nd tier of Scottish football. Now, we began the season with a 15 point deficit for going into administration. After our relegation was mathematically confirmed, we went on to have the 2^nd best record in the league after Celtic. Too little too late. My issue is therefore with jackass Hearts fans who try to wind up Hibs fans saying shit like, ‘Well, if it wasn’t for those 15 points we would’ve stayed up.’ Bullshit. How do you know that? Ever heard of chaos theory? How do we know what would’ve happened if those points weren’t deducted? It’s like when someone has three chances to score in a match and the commentator says, ‘He could have had a hat-trick by now.’ No he wouldn’t! If he had scored any one of those chances who is to say he would have got another chance to score? Instead of running back into position they would’ve all celebrated and ended up in a different position on the pitch at a different time and everything would have changed. That’s like my ex saying, ‘If you hadn’t moved to uni I probably wouldn’t have cheated.’ No, you cheated because you were whore, not because I was 45 miles away.

Also Katy Perry is making news because she did an article with Cosmopolitan talking about ex’s Russell Brand and John Mayer and that she has a crystal that attracts men.[1] No, you attract men sweetheart because you’re fucking gorgeous with an amazing set of tits, tons of cash and oh, because the majority of men on this planet are attracted to women. What the fuck was she thinking marrying Russell Brand?

Yes, definitely that crystal that brings the boys to the yard.

Everyone knew it wasn’t going to work out the second it was announced. The fact that he was famous for shagging anything that walked despite having the body of a thirteen year old with the head of hobo tells you everything you need to know. As beautiful as you are Katy, you were never tying him down. I don’t get these celebrities rushing into marriage either. Kaley Cuoco telling Ryan Sweeting she wanted to move in after the first date. If that was anybody else other than Kaley Cuoco, he would’ve ran for the hills yelling, ‘Crazy ass bitch!’ like Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 2. How long will that marriage last? The dude is 26 and has only just made over $1million. Hasn’t broken into the top 50. What if he never makes it and just becomes a tennis coach for kids, leaving Kaley to pay all the fucking bills. Un-fucking-likely my good man.

Ryan Sweeting’s first and only gift to Kaley based on his career so far.

But even people that only go out for a year, year and a half and decide to get married. That just seems fucking nuts to me. How can you make that kind of a commitment after knowing someone for only 12-18 months. Maybe you’ve lived with them for about 6. That’s not enough time to really get to know someone. Sift through all the layers and learn whether or not your beloved is a psycho. And I think people who marry in their 20s are nuts. We live in a different time to our parents and grandparents who went out from school and worked straight away so they wouldn’t starve. Now we as a generation go on gap years before uni, travel the world, experiment with situations and discover who we are through stuff like that. We aren’t thrust into a life or death situation that shapes who we are by force.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say this week. Hope you enjoyed. If you have any questions ask away and if you have anything you want a little advice on maybe I can help or add a different perspective. Plus it gives me something else to talk about next week. Tell me what you liked or didn’t like. I can talk the criticism folks. Peace out fuckers.

 

[1] http://celebrity.uk.msn.com/news/katy-perry-i-need-a-male-teammate-1