Guardians of the Galaxy: Review

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‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ is the latest experimental, big-budget smash hit starring a relative unknown as the leading man, a tree that can only say three words, a temperamental raccoon, a wrestler and the blue lady from ‘Avatar’ playing a green lady. Oh, and it’s directed by a guy who’s biggest hit was 2006’s ‘Slither’ which grossed half of its $15million budget. Sounds like a recipe for disaster right? Wrong!

So, Chris Pratt, famous for the TV show ‘Parks and Recreation’ and being married to Anna Faris plays main character Peter Quill, a human who is stolen from Earth by a group of alien mercenaries moments after his mother dies before his eyes in hospital. He will have gathered more fame recently for voicing Emmet in ‘The Lego Movie’ but other than that not too many people will know him as an actor. So to be honest it makes sense to cast someone like that as a leading man that very few people know about from a series of Marvel comics that very few people know about. And I’m pleased to say the casting of Pratt works. It works big time. I honestly can’t remember the last time I watched someone with such charisma and confidence on-screen; Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man doesn’t count for me as he isn’t a classic lead hero. You like him the second he starts dancing his way through the opening credits listening to his precious awesome mix vol. 1 tape given to him by his mother. He is believable as someone who can kick ass despite all those comedy elements and on top of that makes us sympathetic as memories of his mother are brought up here and there to give the film its emotional anchor.

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Give me the keys you fucking cock-sucker

The rest of the cast are brilliant too. Zoe Saldana does another solid job playing an alien. She’ll be hoping she isn’t on the road to being type casted. If anything her character Gamora is probably the least interesting out of everybody, but that’s only because the rest of them have such unique personality ticks and back stories. Vin Diesel is great as Groot, the miniature Ent who can only say, ‘I am Groot.’ A combination of his voice work and the excellent animation make this character an instant fan favourite. The real surprise is Dave Bautista, the professional wrestler who plays Drax, a character who lost his wife and daughter at the hands of lead villain Ronan (Lee Pace). He comes from a race who take everything literally and don’t understand metaphors or sarcasm which contributes to many of the laughs throughout the film. He really does give a great performance. Usually wrestlers or body builders are pretty wooden and star in garbage, but Bautista gives a performance worthy of a really, really good professional actor so, hats off to you sir. Finally there is Bradley Cooper as Rocket, the genetically enhanced raccoon. If you didn’t know it was Bradley Cooper beforehand, I seriously doubt his voice would be recognisable. Friend and buddies with Groot, his ill temper brings about the most conflict in the group but also many of the laughs too (in particular, his required items for escaping the prison). I anticipated him just being a trigger-happy, gets the group into trouble kind of character but he is very much the brains which was a nice surprise.

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Pratt channelling the ‘Everything is awesome’ attitude

The first half of the film is definitely more fun than the second half. The first half brings the characters together and throws them into a high security prison from which they have to escape if they want to sell the orb (that Peter stole in the opening scene) and stop Ronan getting his hands on it. This whole sequence was really interesting and fun to watch as mishaps ensue and they have to problem solve their way out of it. The second half becomes a classic stop the villain before he destroys a world with the power of the McGuffin. It was still enjoyable to watch, but it would be nice to see a big budget action-adventure film not have to finish with the giant battle at the end.

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Hit me with your rhythm stick

The production quality is fantastic as nothing takes place on Earth other than the opening scene which gave the film-makers ample opportunity to create these new worlds. The sets look great with a classic sci-fi overcrowded look that’s a bit dirty and grimy; the special effects are great (which is to be expected nowadays) especially the stuff in space. And there aren’t too many weird looking aliens. A lot of the aliens are humans who have been painted a different colour which is classic and yet refreshing to see. What really gives the film its heart and comedy in certain places is the soundtrack that comes from Peter’s awesome music tape. It sets the atmosphere wonderfully and creates the fun, not to be taken too seriously tone of the film which is wonderful to see. I haven’t had as much fun watching a film in the cinema since ‘Scott Pilgrim vs The World.’ And I probably enjoyed this more than ‘Avengers Assemble’ because of the new characters and the less serious tone.

Summary

An epically fun film packed with adventure, wit, comedy, excitement, great performances and a big heart. The second half follows the same path of the many superhero films of the past, but it is still superbly entertaining thanks to the characters and is hardly something to cry about. Can’t wait to see it again.

4.5/5

Craig Wilson

LIFE AND OTHER INSIGNIFICANT EVENTS

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6/7/14

So I’m back after a two week sabbatical. Had a very busy and eventful couple weeks, for instance I graduated with a 2:1 in English Literature. I know! If you’ve read my previous blogs you’re probably thinking, “Really? This obnoxious, foul-mouthed buffoon has a degree in English?” But these blogs are not meant to be literary masterpieces. Just an outlet for my thoughts and opinions that hopefully some of you may relate to or find funny for whatever reason.

I had a good time at graduation. I was wearing a Jacobean kilt; much better looking than the waistcoats and cravats that one usually sees. Plus it was hot enough with just my one layer on, never mind three. It actually got so hot in the waiting area that I started to feel a headache coming on and went on to feel very ill. We had a meal booked at a very nice restaurant called Vitoria’s booked so I knew I needed to do whatever I could to make myself better. So we barely hung about for the garden party and headed back to Edinburgh. In my Dad’s van I was ever so close to chundering all over the place and he could sense that, my face being sheet white he said and so he prepared a bag for me. Luckily I fell asleep for most of the journey, felt better but still shit so when I got in the house immediately went upstairs and forced myself to be sick – bulimic style – fingers in the mouth and this brown liquid poured out. After that I lay down for 20 minutes, felt awesome and went on to have a lovely meal with 13 of my family members.

Been a great two weeks for sports. Wimbledon fortnight which as a huge tennis fan I love, and of course the World Cup continuing to entertain. However, the excitement of the WC has completely shifted. Instead of being goals galore like the group stage we now have 90 minutes of excruciatingly boring shit, to then be followed by 30 minutes of pure adrenaline. Case in point; the USA losing to Belgium. Felt so gutted for they guys. They gave it their all, got further than they were expected to and played some really good football to boot. I’m from Scotland and we had a friendly with the USA that ended 0-0 a while back and we got a somewhat of a slagging. Doesn’t seem like a bad fucking result now huh? France 2016 here we come!

Speaking of Scotland Andy Murray was disappointing huh? Usually what happens with Andy is he starts of a bit slow in the slams and builds himself up match-by-match getting better and better. But this time he started off insanely fucking awesome and then had nothing left. Against Dimitrov it was like he had no fight! It was unreal. However, lets not take away from Dimitrov who is playing ridiculously good tennis the now. He pushed Djokovic really hard. Should have taken him to five sets but Djokovic being the guy he is fights to the end and got the job done. And lets mention Rafael Nadal’s conqueror Nick Kyrgios. Dude played an unbelievable match but what about that serve though? It’s got the accuracy of Pat Rafter but with an added 20mph. It’s sick. And the dude is only 19! When was the last time teenager stepped up on the big stage to show off their talent and beat a bona fide champion? So refreshing to see. I think this guy is gonna be a major player over the next decade. Future Wimbledon champ, and hopefully Aussie Open champion. Would be great to see an Aussie to win their own open since they haven’t had a winner since 1976.

Sadly that’s all I’ve got for this week. I may add in another short blog later in the week since this one is so short. Maybe fish around some of the celebrity news to pass judgement on. Until then, watch this space. Peace out fuckers.

Life and other insignificant events

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15/6/14

Craig Wilson

So happy Father’s Day everybody. Hope you all got your Dad something nice or did something nice for him. I got my Dad a Celtic strip, recreated from 1985 to celebrate them getting to 100 cup finals. It fits but at XXL it is a wee bit tight. He could do with following the example of my Uncle and lose a few pounds. I say that out of love by the way.

So the World Cup got underway but not before Sepp Blatter had to further emphasise that he is a complete bell-end with not a drop of common sense. I wonder if inside his head is just a bunch of bingo balls with crazy statements in them, like fortune cookies, and he has no control of what he’s saying. I am of course referring to his statement on the World Cup being played on other planets. The scary thing is, he wasn’t fucking joking! The man is deadly serious and had a look of hurt as he looked among the baffled faces of everyone in the room. He reminds me of that evil alien in Space Jam voiced by Danny DeVito. There’s enough bother trying to make conditions playable in the 50C heat of Qatar, but hey, let’s spend trillions to transport fans, players, media etc. to fucking Jupiter. It takes six years to get there and has an atmosphere similar to the SUN!!!!!!

 

"Why don't these fools take me seriously?"

“Why don’t these fools take me seriously?”

Speaking of crazy, what the fuck happened to Spain? They took the lead, were looking great, Holland get a stunning equaliser with an Olympic diving header from Van Persie and then after that it all went to shit. Casillas had the worst game I’ve ever seen. This is a guy who has a mind-boggling 154 caps for Spain and couldn’t control a pass along the fucking ground. But that’s what happens when you choose a guy who has played two games all season! Here’s an idea Del Bosque, choose someone in form! Look at me telling Del Bosque what to do. Ah fuck him and his boring brand of passing football. Serves him right. See what happens when you pass forward instead of back and side-to-side?

The concept art presented to Blatter

The concept art presented to Blatter

I’ve seen on twitter this week something about a new pill that is going to make people magically lose weight. Please for the love of God, do not buy into any of that shite. You want to lose weight? Cut sugar from your diet and do an hour of exercise every day. Pills aren’t natural. There’s only one pill that can make you lose weight. It’s called fucking laxative. What is it with people wanting all these quick fixes or immediate results? Put in some fucking work and earn it! Oh but that’ll hurt and take longer. Yeah, but it’s character building. It’s summertime. Get out in the sun and go walk for an hour you lazy cunts.

I like to bet, particularly on tennis. I had a £50 on Dimitrov and Nadal to win at 2/7 and 1/5 respectively. Dimitrov got the job done and went on to win at Queens. He’s really becoming the real deal. His victory speech was extremely gracious and charming and I’m expecting big things from him. Nadal was playing his first match since victory at the French Open against world no. 85 Dustin Brown. The motherfucker lost. Now first of all I don’t buy into Nadal being tired. He had four days off. What I did find odd was that Nadal was 1/5 in the first place. Murray and Federer in their first matches on the grass were 1/25 and 1/33 respectively so why was Nadal 1/5 in his first match? Did the bookies know something I didn’t? Am I crazy? Maybe, but I’ve been suspect of Nadal since he had that knee injury that put him out for nearly a year, and then he comes back and wins everything in sight.

I couldn't look either

I couldn’t look either

After what happened with Lance Armstong and many others I wouldn’t be surprised if Nadal was on some sort of juice. As my Dad pointed out, what reason would Nadal have for match-fixing. He’s got enough money. But it’s weird that he was priced at that when really he should’ve been at least 1/20. To lose the final set 6-1 too is what made it more suspect. If it comes out in years to come, you heard it here first.

I can’t really think of anything else to ramble on about so again, hope you enjoyed and leave any comments. Good or bad. Feeds my ego either way haha. Peace out fuckers.

Life and other insignificant events

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7/6/14

Craig Wilson

So, I like many am a huge Game of Thrones fan. I have however not read the books so if anybody who reads this (unlikely) has read them, get to fuck with spoilers or I’ll hunt you down and cut your throat. That being said I must declare SPOILERS for anyone who has had a busy week and hasn’t seen the latest episode. So as most of you will know, the flamboyant Prince Oberyn is the latest (great) character to bite the dust. And in pretty spectacular fashion. I loved that they went old school and used practical effects for his head bursting like a melon instead of CGI. It looked phenomenal. But obviously, I (like many) have been left heartbroken at the loss of the best character since Tyrion and the legendary Ned Stark. I honestly didn’t feel this fucked up after the famous Red Wedding. There are so many things that make his death hard to bear.

No.1 Oberyn was a fucking badass. We knew this when he fearlessly confronted the two blokes in the brothel. The dude knew he could kill anyone if he wanted to.

No.2 His free spirit. Oberyn is that guy that all guys wish they could be. Fearless, charming and unrestrained by the pressures of society. Granted not all guys love the male form just as much as the female equivalent, but each to his own. And he loves his children. All of them. Which is a lot. And he provides for all them. Kudos to the man.

Oby in his element at a cock and pussy buffet.

Oby in his element at a cock and pussy buffet.

 

No.3 His hunger for justice. Not only was he seeking justice for the atrocities committed against his sister and her children, he recognises that Tyrion (who we all love) is not guilty and will risk his life to see that justice is done.

No.4 He fucking had him beat! Yeah! The Mountain was down on his back. Awaiting the final blow (stop laughing) and all he had to do was stab him in the fucking face. But, Oberyn like all great Bond villains was defeated by the dreaded monologue. The whole time I kept thinking, watch those hands Oby. Fucking look out. He’s not dead yet. And when he punched his teeth out that’s when I knew, yep he’s fucked.

No.5 There was so much riding on Oberyn winning. The fate of Tyrion. Oberyn avenging his sister. Oberyn finding out WHO GAVE THE ORDER! Oberyn continuing to live which we all wanted. Fucking up Cersei because she’s a cunt. The Mountain no longer being a threat. And now all that is shattered with us all wondering, what happens to Tyrion now? To be honest I don’t think he’ll die. I think this’ll be one of the rare instances when George R.R. Martin actually saves one of his sacred characters. But we’ll have to wait and see.

Sports. The World cup is only days away. Yipee. But I want to address something that has been bugging me for a few weeks. I live in Edinburgh, Scotland and support the team Heart of Midlothian. We, like our bitter city rivals Hibs were relegated to the 2nd tier of Scottish football. Now, we began the season with a 15 point deficit for going into administration. After our relegation was mathematically confirmed, we went on to have the 2nd best record in the league after Celtic. Too little too late. My issue is therefore with jackass Hearts fans who try to wind up Hibs fans saying shit like, ‘Well, if it wasn’t for those 15 points we would’ve stayed up.’ Bullshit. How do you know that? Ever heard of chaos theory? How do we know what would’ve happened if those points weren’t deducted? It’s like when someone has three chances to score in a match and the commentator says, ‘He could have had a hat-trick by now.’ No he wouldn’t! If he had scored any one of those chances who is to say he would have got another chance to score? Instead of running back into position they would’ve all celebrated and ended up in a different position on the pitch at a different time and everything would have changed. That’s like my ex saying, ‘If you hadn’t moved to uni I probably wouldn’t have cheated.’ No, you cheated because you were whore, not because I was 45 miles away.

Also Katy Perry is making news because she did an article with Cosmopolitan talking about ex’s Russell Brand and John Mayer and that she has a crystal that attracts men.[1] No, you attract men sweetheart because you’re fucking gorgeous with an amazing set of tits, tons of cash and oh, because the majority of men on this planet are attracted to women. What the fuck was she thinking marrying Russell Brand?

Yes, definitely that crystal that brings the boys to the yard.

Yes, definitely that crystal that brings the boys to the yard.

Everyone knew it wasn’t going to work out the second it was announced. The fact that he was famous for shagging anything that walked despite having the body of a thirteen year old with the head of hobo tells you everything you need to know. As beautiful as you are Katy, you were never tying him down. I don’t get these celebrities rushing into marriage either. Kaley Cuoco telling Ryan Sweeting she wanted to move in after the first date. If that was anybody else other than Kaley Cuoco, he would’ve ran for the hills yelling, ‘Crazy ass bitch!’ like Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 2. How long will that marriage last? The dude is 26 and has only just made over $1million. Hasn’t broken into the top 50. What if he never makes it and just becomes a tennis coach for kids, leaving Kaley to pay all the fucking bills. Un-fucking-likely my good man.

Ryan Sweeting's first and only gift to Kaley based on his career so far.

Ryan Sweeting’s first and only gift to Kaley based on his career so far.

But even people that only go out for a year, year and a half and decide to get married. That just seems fucking nuts to me. How can you make that kind of a commitment after knowing someone for only 12-18 months. Maybe you’ve lived with them for about 6. That’s not enough time to really get to know someone. Sift through all the layers and learn whether or not your beloved is a psycho. And I think people who marry in their 20s are nuts. We live in a different time to our parents and grandparents who went out from school and worked straight away so they wouldn’t starve. Now we as a generation go on gap years before uni, travel the world, experiment with situations and discover who we are through stuff like that. We aren’t thrust into a life or death situation that shapes who we are by force.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say this week. Hope you enjoyed. If you have any questions ask away and if you have anything you want a little advice on maybe I can help or add a different perspective. Plus it gives me something else to talk about next week. Tell me what you liked or didn’t like. I can talk the criticism folks. Peace out fuckers.

 

[1] http://celebrity.uk.msn.com/news/katy-perry-i-need-a-male-teammate-1